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Dwelling….On What?
By Dr. William K. Larkin on January 26, 2010
"Dwelling" is a word that expresses "being with" or spending time immersed in a thing. I can remember a time in my life when I spent a lot of time dwelling on negative things. I just thought that everyone did and that it was natural. If a negative thought or a negative idea came up, I just spent time dwelling on it. I would think about it, I would "think it through." I would muse for a long time thinking about this or that negative thing and I was driven by the question, "why?" I saw myself as a considerate, careful, penetrating thinker, and I was driven by successful "problem solving" and by the goal of always finding a resolution. It was as if I took on not only my issues and problems but also those of everyone else, and I had to find the mental energy devoted to all of it. I would dwell so long on some of these seemingly significant issues that my feelings would quickly follow...into a DownSpiral.
Today I don't ask "why" very often. Especially when it is something negative; I rather ask, "what is the good that can come of this?" I don't often get the answer right away, but I always get the answer just because I've asked. I am no longer resolution-driven because most things don't have a resolution right at this moment. They usually get resolved but not very often by my direction intervention. Things just happen along the way. I am also not problem-driven, b
ut I am interested in finding out how my strengths, applied in an UpSpiral of positivity, give me resilience and bounce-back.
Where your mind dwells is a choice. I choose to dwell on what is positive and good. I choose to dwell on what I really want. Sometime ago, I made a choice to "dwell" on smiling and asking every cashier and service person how they were doing and how their day was going. I started to chat when I was standing in line and I always told the clerks waiting on me to have a great day. When I was dwelling on resolution and problem-solving, I never had time for the clerks or the cashiers. I was too busy dwelling on the larger problems of the world.
The clerks who wait on me are happier, I'm 
sure. I know that I am. And when I forget to do this, I just go back and start practicing "positive dwelling."
Your mind will dwell on the negative as long as you choose to let it, or it will dwell on the positive if you take little, active steps to go there.
The decisive factor is this: make your day at least 3 times as positive as it is negative and you will flourish.
30 Comments
sherri wrote on Tue Jan 26th, 4:11pm:
Greetings -
It is true for myself also, to dwell on the negative and a need to always have a plan and to understand “it” whatever it is. I am using the techniques learned here to stop the never-ending chatter of the “why”. It is such a powerful pull to go right back into that over and over again, but thankfully, shorter in duration in staying there, thanks to these tools.
I must say with a great since of relief, that over the short time I have been focusing on a change of past conditioning, to the new Upspiral conditioning, the strongest and most consistent feeling is Gratitude and a close second is Peace. These going forward thoughts, have proved to be a much better place to be, then the downward, empty, crazy making, negative dark well of “dwelling” and were I want to be.
And so it is!
Sherri
CHIVALRY57 wrote on Tue Jan 26th, 4:17pm:
Being in the construction and flooring trade for over 20 years has led me to aquire many good friends throughout the years in the same business. The Trades have been hit hard many of my family and friends, which is causing much of the conversations I hear from them to “dwell” in the down spiral direction. I try to be sympathetic briefly, but then I find myself trying to change the subject, but if I hit a wall with them I then find myself allowing my mind to wander toward my Positivity emotions…and then sure enough my phone will “ring” and I answer aloud “GRATITUDE”! to bail me out.
One day good friend of mine did this for about 5-10 minutes. I was feeling myself beginning to sink into his reality. Finally I caught myself and told my buddy “WHOA DUDE! Look, you got to quit the swearing and lets start asking the right questions to these problems and focus on the good. Take the test on ANI to find out your strengths and lets use them. Lets build up our reservoir of positivities”“.
My daily mantra that I feel is helping through these unusual times is “I am the creative $money$ magnet for myself, my business, and for those I touch>”
Practicice, Practice, the ANI Training works, thank-you Dr. Larkin.
Let one of our intentions each day be “In my travels today I am going to be the positivity/kindness others may need.”
In Training With
Much Gratitude,
CHIVALRY57
BarbaraLily wrote on Tue Jan 26th, 5:28pm:
I have tried to slow down these past few months and take the time to look people in the eye, respond positively when someone like a store clerk “ritually” welcomes me and not always be “somewhere else.” I, too, have had some very positive experiences. Positive thinking also means positive action and it embodies a respect for others as well as a desire to be in the UpSpiral. Those moments of real contact have been wonderful. Thank you Dr. Larkin for recognizing how important even casual or ordinary interactions are.
And yes! We do have choice, the most liberating notion there is. I’m reading Strengths Finder 2.0 and am so impressed with the remarkable insistence that we can’t be anything we want, but we can be a lot more of who we are. That is real personal esteem and the most important foundation of choice.
Donna Lang wrote on Tue Jan 26th, 7:55pm:
The message in this blog reminds me of a quote I heard recently. “Take the Best and Leave the Rest.”
I like that: TAKE THE BEST AND LEAVE THE REST!
Isn’t that what we do when a upset happens and we decide to go straight to Gratitude or the Emotional Gym? We Take The Best and Leave the Rest.
I like it!
Donna Lang wrote on Tue Jan 26th, 8:12pm:
I loved the TV program “THE TWILIGHT ZONE” as a child. And Now as an adult I sometime enter the “THE WHY ZONE!”
Why did this happen?
Why did I do that?
Why did he do that?
WHY? WHY? WHY?
The only thing “THE WHY ZONE “does for me is to keep in the “STUCK ZONE”
AND I prefer “THE WHAT ZONE!” because there I open up, I can see/feel possibilities or new perspectives and often there is movement.
What is possible?
What can I do NOW to make things better?
What if I try a new approach?
What Is Good About This Situation?
And Dr. Larkin asks, “What is the Good That Can Come From This?”
With Gratitude,
Donna Lang
Mack wrote on Wed Jan 27th, 7:09am:
Why Why Why and we still do not have the right answer. The first why sends us into a downspiral. Focusing on the problem or the event and stealing energy from us. We lose our positive focus and begin to ride the train of why are these things happening to me? Too often the why starts an event of asking the wrong questions and we then proceed to the beat ourselves up zone. So instead of why how about Why Not? I can handle this. For every negative that we choose to Dwell on the Positive is on the other side of the stick, we just have to make a shift and put our energy and focus there. Forget the Why.
Mack wrote on Wed Jan 27th, 7:27am:
Donna I love the Take the Best and Leave the Rest. The new National Anthem. Could you image people just talking about the best all day and smiling. That would be a wonderful start to everyday and people would feed off of each others best story instead of the negative stories. Negative always opens up the floor for a you will not believe what happened to me story. Then the other person has to come back with well if you think thats bad boy oh boy have a seat and I have got one for you. The negative keeps going. But to change it to Take the Best and Leave the Rest opens up a shift in the thinking process. This is what I need thank you and I am off.
Linda wrote on Wed Jan 27th, 9:56am:
What we dwell on, we dwell in. After reading Dr. Larkin’s blog, I have to ask myself – “How safe is my dwelling?” In my recent position working for a high school district office, I had frequent communication with the County Building Department. Prior to any construction beginning, permits had to be granted to ensure safety standards. With that accomplished, people came to our office to pay school impact fees. If I look at my thoughts and emotions as building blocks to my life, questions I want to ask myself are, “What have I permitted?” and “What impact fees will I incur?” I well know that as I allow negative thoughts in, my dwelling place does not feel very safe. The price I pay is worry and stress. I really love the idea of using my strengths to “shore up” my structure.
Currently our family is weighing options involving unemployment, social security and disability. While I have been using my strengths in this process – prudence, caution, and curiosity (asking lots of questions), I hadn’t previously really focused on them as the powerful tools about which we are now learning. I’m so happy to become acquainted with them in this way so that I might consciously use them in creating a healthier place for myself. Right now I am just at the beginning of this application and look forward to the building process. In addition, instead of dragging myself through the endless loop of negative emotions like fear and scary stories about the future while I am making decisions, I intend to wallpaper my interior with Dr. Larkin’s suggestion of asking, “What is the good that can come from this?” This focus opens the door to limitless positive possibilities.
Living in love, joy, peace, gratitude and hope is dwelling in “the sacred place of the most high.” It’s the best real estate there is. It is just a matter of choice (and practice, practice, practice) and it can be ours!
Judy wrote on Wed Jan 27th, 10:41am:
Dear Linda: What a great way to put things into perspective. Creating that inner dwelling the way we’d positively like it to be. I read a quote from the SOM magazine…“If we are able to build in mind the kind of home we wish, and there is nothing in our subjective thought which denies this, then we shall be able to decide & demonstrate for ourself the kind of home we desire.” I need a positive home, both on the inner & the outer, so I will hold to this truth. Thank you all.
david brooks wrote on Wed Jan 27th, 5:55pm:
Dr. Larkin, are you psychic? It seems that very often, you are writing just to me?
For most of the day, I have been in a grand funk thinking of all kinds of why? Why did this person say that? Why can’t I get more done of what I need to do done in my day? Why is it that I feel down? And as I have stayed in a negative dwelling place, I have continued to attract negative things. My internet went down at an inopportune time, my mail came late and I missed getting to the bank and my somewhat negative friend that always seems to call me when I am down, called. Time to do some work! Time to change things!
A few weeks ago, in Plans to the Universe, the daily suggestion was Dr. Larkin’s “What creative good can come of this?” I began to look at things from a different perspective - inside as opposed to out there.
I spent a good hour thinking about and making lists of what I really wanted from this situation, and then what I could do to change ME. Who did I want to become? a person who is cheerful, nice to others, and willing to communicate, honest…
That one suggestion of “What creative good can come out of this?” gave me pages of understanding what I want for me! Plus, I felt terrific!
Got to run… Where is my notebook? Time to do some work!
Victoria Koutavas wrote on Wed Jan 27th, 7:00pm:
Dr. Larkin,
Thank you for the humorous visuals not only this week (love the hammer) every week! They are thoughtful accompaniments to your powerful words that always give me a good chuckle.
Recently, I noticed when I drive I become very critical of other drivers and find myself grumbling out loud about everything they are doing wrong. Years ago I named this sub-personality “Nell”-an Amazonian-sized woman with a pack of cigarettes rolled up in her tee shirt and a truck-driver’s vocabulary. Nell was born one evening driving to Orange County with my friend Tanya white-knuckled in the passenger’s seat. Although Tanya and I had a great laugh about Nell, who provided unlimited entertainment, Tanya’s discomfort did not go unnoticed. I promised myself I would be more considerate of passengers who were under my care.
The truth is Nell is alive and well and she’s busted. I’m issuing her a DWJ-Driving while Judgmental. The new Rules of my Road are:
1) I leave earlier so I’m not trying to break Jeff Gordon’s speed records trying to get to work
2) Each time I find myself criticizing another driver I immediately forgive myself and bless them
3) I give all drivers the benefit of the doubt (even though they have out-of-state license plates, are at least 150 years old and are driving 30 in a 50 oblivious-Nell sneaks in every so often!)
I AM DWELLING IN HUMOR…And it feels GOOD!
Janet wrote on Thu Jan 28th, 5:41pm:
I’m so much better at not being a “negative dweller” and picking through things ad nauseum. Dr. Larkin, I really relate to “what is the good that can come of this?” It’s truly much more empowering.
Jack wrote on Fri Jan 29th, 9:38am:
Jack N- The thing that distinguishes an average from a great phrase is its capacity to ring true to the largest number of people. This can be in an aphorism or a line in a song. The phrase, “you can choose what you dwell on”, I believe is such a remark. Seven words and such a simple concept has such far reaching implications. If we accept the idea of thought-habit based neuroplasticity, and we accept that in an upspiral state we enjoy life much more and can make the world around us better, then the need to incorporate this choice of what we dwell on is imperative. The subjects of gratitude, peace, love, and joy all point us to a state of emotional and spiritual health. One definition of the difference between human and animal is the capacity to use our brains to make choices which transcend simple animal urges and compulsions. This is what we want for ourselves and what we try to instill in our children. Here is a very simple and very powerful tool to rise above the popular and common culture of gimmee and gotcha. If the latter worked, people would be happier and kinder. Thanks again to Dr Larkin et al for promoting this simple and highly effective means of attaining what is ancient but is still somewhat of a secret.
Jack wrote on Fri Jan 29th, 9:48am:
Note to Chivalry57-from Jack N
I have never read or been involved in a blog before. Today is the first time I read and yours was the first snippet I came across. Simply put, I found it inspiring. I’m in the building trade as well only I do it on the human body. I rarely talk with another doc without hearing a complaint. The tiring part of an office day is not listening to people describe their pains, but listening to the negativity they attach to both the discomfort and the disability. Since our limbs and spine work so well for the first three decades of life, so many people come to believe that painless and high level function is their right. I will go into that arena today with the goal of being the positivity that they need (and not feel defeated if they don’t seem to get it). Thanks
suzanne wrote on Sat Jan 30th, 10:45am:
As I move daily into the UpSpiral of positivity, the downspiral of dwelling in the negative seems like a distant memory. I don’t seem to play those old tapes so much anymore. It is much easier for me to “Let go and let God” or even “Let go and let GOOD”.
I smile and pulse love & peace to myself and others. I appreciate and thank myself and others…always, no matter what… so I can be at PEACE, no matter what! Thank you ANI for bringing me back again and again to the truth and beauty of ME.
Margot wrote on Sun Jan 31st, 6:04am:
This week I’ve been a bit challenged by the visit of one of my oldest and dearest friends. As a result of growing my positive mind, I realize how much she dwells on the negative, from reading the obituaries EVERY day, to constantly reporting on the everyday tragedies that have befallen this or that person: a wife who died too young of some disease or other, leaving kids and husband behind; a child murdered by his brother for no apparent reason; all the news on the front pages of the newspapers (which we all know to be nothing but negative) and on and on and on, dwelling on the misfortunes of others. Yikes! how depressing and negative can you get? As I practice pulsing love, peace, joy and gratitude, I extend love to her, and am thankful that she serves as an example of what I do not want to - and will not - be. All this is not to say that she has no redeeming qualities, as she has been a kind and giving presence in my life for over 30 years, and her sense of humor has brought much me much laughter and joy. She embodies both ends of the “stick” that Dr. Larkin talks about: her strength is in her humor and kindness, her weakness is in her dwelling on all the bad things that happen in the world. I’be managed to stay in the upspiral in spite of her dwelling on negative things - indeed, I’ve even grown it this week - as a result of the Upspiral tools, and I am SOO thankful for them!
Erik wrote on Sun Jan 31st, 4:54pm:
I really liked this blog, “Dwelling… on what?” Since I’ve been working with these methods I’ve gotten much better at shifting my focus back to the positive. A phrase I often use is, “Thank you for what’s happening now and the good that’s coming from it.”
I also agreed when Bill wrote about talking to clerks in stores. I almost always ask, “How’s your day going?”, and that usually opens up a brief (or longer)conversation. And when the clerk is rude or rushed, I’ll often say, “Busy day today, huh?” in a friendly way. Usually they just blossom and open up at that point. It’s a lot better than getting angry at the poor service. And when I connect with the clerk, the service usually gets much, much better. And if it doesn’t, I still feel good.
david brooks wrote on Sun Jan 31st, 7:54pm:
Mary Garvey Horst, I loved your questions, “Can I describe the inner place where I reside?” “What is the shape, color, texture, and internal feeling of my inner home?”
I love the image of that. Having spent a day or so in a negative dwelling, then using the tools, and shifting to the positive, I have had the experience of the difference.
I have gone from heaviness all over and a nagging knot in the pit of my stomach to feeling light, carefree, clear headed and on top of the world. I like the latter much better!
Mountain Chat wrote on Mon Feb 1st, 1:23pm:
OMG. I just read two things in Dr Larkin’s book yesterday that are brilliant. One is the way he reframed the night-time sirens. The other, related to the sirens, is how to use cues and how they need not be positive.
I instantly came up with two great cues for love and gratitude that are ... challenges. Using those challenges to remind me to go to a positive place is fabulous. That might actually be more effective than, say, using my soft, sweet, hilarious, goofy cat as a cue for joy because that’s a no-brainer and happens anyway.
In fact, as I type, it seems that this might be a good plan, for me, for all four positive emotions because then I get the double benefit of an effective reminder to go positive AND I transform a challenge into a benefit, releasing its negative charge in the process.
One other thing I’d like to share, relating to Dr Larkin suggesting that we shift our positive emotions from effect to cause, is that I began to notice a few days ago that the simple act of smiling “caused” a flood of positive emotion. Even the mere lip-corner crinkling of a prelude to a smile, even no more than a Mona Lisa smile, even so much as a thought that I might smile, would stimulate this flood.
Talk about a cue! I’m going to set up a pathway in my brain where smiling, no matter where, no matter when, no matter why, opens that channel to positivity. As cause, smiling for no reason other than to feel good as a result.
Dr. William Kent Larkin wrote on Mon Feb 1st, 4:10pm:
These are fantastic shares. It is hard to single out any one of them for a comment, but the whole of them adds to the good in the world and inspires anyone who reads this, including myself. Thank-you all.
Victoria Koutavas wrote on Mon Feb 1st, 9:22pm:
“Do” my antidote to “Dwell”…
Last Sunday I woke up from a disturbing dream of a past worry being played out. Although I was grateful it was just a dream, I was left with a residue of melancholy. As I concluded my morning ritual of writing, meditating and pulsing, intuitively I knew I needed something more. I didn’t want to dwell in the remaining energy even through it had lessened considerably.
Action-that was the key, I needed to move around and do something. Thinking about my strengths, I decided to complete several projects I began on my days off and had not completed. The projects involved making my living space more beautiful and organized. I consciously set myself up to be in flow. I turned on music from one of my heroes, and within minutes my energy had changed, the melancholy was gone, and I was dwelling in joy and a sense of accomplishment.
Gratefully, that sense of joy prevailed for the rest of the day and evening. And, other than writing about it here, the dream was completely forgotten.
To say I am thankful for what I have learned with ANI would be an understatement! Thank you Dr. Larkin, Dr. Johnson and to all you like-minded travelers , thank you for sharing your journey.
Carol wrote on Tue Feb 2nd, 9:49am:
I too. like Chilvary57, am in the building trades and have been challenged with more negative dwelling than usual.. Within myself and in the kind concerns of others. This has been very fortuitous, to be involved with ANI at this time. I have struggled with how to talk about the lack of work in a positive way…so I talk about it as little as possible. But in my heart….that is where the change is happening. I know that the universe is forever abundant. I have begun to look at the ’free time’ I have as a wonderful opportunity to work on my own property and home. Such a gift. The Upspiral tools have helped me do this. Thanks to all.
Kathy W wrote on Tue Feb 2nd, 11:19am:
I know that life is working with me in the Upspiral. How?
First, I am still breathing.
Second, I am feeling.
Third I am doing……pulsing good, smiling and being in the flow.
As said in this blog it is good to be able to be happy and share it with cashiers, store clerks and everyone we encounter.
Each day is a blessing and I am blessed.
richardsnewsong wrote on Tue Feb 2nd, 12:09pm:
When I think of the word “dwelling” - I tend to think of my “dwelling place” - my home - the place where I live, relax, spend the bulk of my time.
In that regard, this week’s post by Dr. Larkin challenges me to be aware of where my brain dwells - the default, mental state of emotions that I call home.
Am I a man or a mouse?
A Patriot of Positivity or a Nabob of Negativity?
The choice is mine, all mine!
Much like Dr. Larkin - I am a thinker! And while most people have a “committee” of competing thoughts and ideas driving them crazy - I am blessed with a stadium full of thoughts and ideas - in other words, driving me crazy is a very short drive - Zero to Crazy in 2.5 seconds is not unrealistic if I don’t watch myself.
That was then - this is now!
The tools in my Binford 6100 Emotional Gym Tool Box have totally re-engineered my thinking.
Previously, if I was asked to describe my life, I might have used the book title:
“Been Down So Long, It Looks Like Up to Me!”
I can see now that a negative mind set was my default dwelling place and it seemed totally normal and natural to me, like that was just the way it was supposed to be.
Being a part of the ANI Program has shaken me to my core and helped me to shift this old mind set and challenge so many of my old, outdated, negative beliefs!
I love the poster above.
THINK TILL IT HURTS
NO PAIN - NO BRAIN!!!
Is it any wonder that the allure of drinking, drugs, gambling, food, sex, credit cards, relationships, workaholism, material success and every other addictive pursuit is there to help us numb the pain, to take us out, albeit temporarily, from the pain of dwelling on negative thoughts!
Thank you Dr. Larkin for putting together this simple but profound path towards change! As you stated:
“Your mind will dwell on the negative as long as you choose to let it, or it will dwell on the positive if you take little, active steps to go there.”
The other part of the poster image I like is the hammer! What a great metaphor!
I am reminded of the story of the man standing on the street corner, hitting himself on the head with a hammer. A passer by observes this strange behavior and asks the man what he is doing. The man explains:
“I hit myself on the head with this hammer and when I stop hitting myself, I can feel good!”
How wonderful that I have found this wonderful promised land of positive emotion, no longer defined by the temporary absence of pain but living in the constant UpSpiral of the positive emotions that I chose, every moment of every day!
New Author - New Book - New Title! My strength of communication is constantly looking for the next great title of what I want to write about! How about:
Been Up So Long, It Looks Like Up, Up and Away to Me!
Have a Happy!
Richard Rotbart
kathy wrote on Tue Feb 2nd, 6:32pm:
This blog descripes the old me to a T. I use to counsel all my friends. Worry, worry, analyse, analyse everything down to a nats eyelash. Looking back I can see how that kept me in a downsprial. I had to come up with the perfect suggestion for my friends. Then my own proplems. I am sure it contributed to my two failed marriages. Wow what an awful way to live. Now that rarely happens. No more heavy duty thinking about my friends problems. No more thinking my problems to death. I am following everything Dr. Larkin is teaching. I even wake up some mornings with gratitude, peace, joy and love on my lips. Life is wonderful. Thank you soooo much.
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