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February Focus: Celebrate Your Strengths!
By Dr. Donald B. Johnson on February 15, 2010
This is a month whe
n we celebrate, among other things, the birthdays of presidents, the Chinese Lunar New Year, Valentine's Day, and the beginning of a forty day period in the Christian calendar we call Lent. In this month of only 28 days, we get to experience it all-the greatness of well-known historical figures, the hope for a better "new year," and the glories of love, all wrapped in the shroud of one Wednesday this month which seeks to persistently remind us of our mortality.
And so in a month of conflicting energies, what is it that I want for myself? Where am I going to choose to place my focus? What am I going to choose to celebrate?
The immediate answer is easy, at least for me. I'm casting aside the "morbidity" of February. I'm in no state of denial about it; but I have a choice either to celebrate the physical end of my life by focusing on it or to exalt the power of who I am NOW, always expressed so perfectly in my unique combination of strengths. I've learned to choose the latter. It just feels better, it just raises my UpSpiral, it just makes me more and more clear about the power of the "real me." Knowing consciously that I have a perfect set of strengths, built in and ready to go, always at hand for any and all situations, is my February Valentine's gift to myself. Bringing those strengths "home to me"...applying them to me...knowing that they're mine, always and forever...making them real in my own life...that's the gift this month. It's that simple.
One of my top 5 Signature Strengths is "the capacity to love and be loved." So in this month when the culture around us focuses largely on love and relationships, I'm using this strength as a challenge for myself-in how many ways can I express love for myself? How can I love myself more? What does "loving me" look like? How does "loving me" feel? And then, how can I reflect this love I have for myself outwardly to others? To my family? To my friends? To the many communities in which I participate? Too often we think that strengths are to be used only "out there," for the good of others. Now there's certainly nothing wrong with "spreading the love." But without a sense of how I express this "capacity to love and be loved" to myself, there's really very little to give. It's just that simple.
Many of us were raised with the belief that one's goal in life was to be "well-rounded," to excel in a number of areas, to develop a broad repertoire of thought which would produce a kind of ideal personality. It has been described as being the "Renaissance" man or woman, a "jack-of-all-trades." Much has been written in positive psychology lately about this belief, because what it really expresses is the opposite of using one's strengths. The Gallup Organization has done some significant studies in this area. In the area of relationships, this "jack-of-all-trades" approach has come to be called "rounding." It's the belief, now confirmed by research, that the goal of "being all things to all people" is not only a myth but is also essentially destructive to the development and growth of healthy relationships. It promotes compromise and self-defeating behavior. And you can also "round" yourself- by closing yourself off from receiving the gifts that others bring to you, or by simply not engaging the strengths which you already have. Instead, let your unique set of strengths "shine" in every relationship, including your relationship with yourself. It's "you being you," engaging your strengths, that produces the most enduring and healthy relationships. "Rounding" means you shrink from the authentic expression of your strengths for some perceived gain in being "all things" to "all people" in "all situations." What's really happening is just the opposite. You're simply being "less than yourself." The real power in relationships is to see how your strengths complement those of others, to see the synergy in the combined power of your strengths with those of others, and to love and appreciate yourself all the more for knowing your own giftedness. 
How are you "rounding" yourself? How are you "rounding" others?
So go ahead this month and admit it. You can't do it all by yourself. You really can't be that "Renaissance" personality, going it alone. Your're not the "Lone Ranger." But with your strengths engaged, you can be true to yourself and to others, and in so doing, shine as who you really are!
33 Comments
Donna Lang wrote on Mon Feb 15th, 3:15pm:
I have noticed that I am blessed with strengths that often lend themselves to the “rennaisance” type personality. I’ve been told throughout my life, Wow, You can do it all!
Now I see that I do not HAVE TO DO IT ALL! In fact, “doing it all” may show up as closing some doors to receiving gifts and strengths from others.
And although I have enjoyed my vast array of talents and strengths, this article suggests that “rounding” may deliver LESS OF ME over time.
WOW- What an eye opener!
My goal going forward is to continue to utilize my strengths in a such way that delivers MORE OF ME, and this may imply less “rounding”
Thanks Dr. Don for delivering such a meaningful and powerful Blog.
Donna Lang
Lea Jacobs wrote on Tue Feb 16th, 6:20pm:
What struck me in this article is the word “rounding.” It seems to me if I try to be all things to all people, in all situations, I may lose myself or spread myself too thin - maybe to the point of breaking - too diletante (sp?)! I prefer to think of my life as a beautiful opportunity to smooth off or ‘round’ the sharp edges that could hurt another, but to leave and even accentuate the facets - making my life a beautiful gem sparkling in the sunlight. This gives me a great way to think of my strengths - each as a shining facet of my personality, each lending itself to the perfection of the whole.
I am admitting right now that I can’t do this alone, and what’s more, I can’t do the UpSpiral without all of you - I am overjoyed to say I need you, I want you, and I love you - I appreciate you and your contributions to my life - I am eternally grateful that you all made the decision to do this work at the same time as me, with me. I am not alone anymore and neither are you. How fortunate are we!!!
peace, Lea
Mark E. Anderson wrote on Tue Feb 16th, 6:41pm:
Great blog Dr. J! Yes, begin with loving ourselves, and once we’ve got that down, spread the love to all we encounter.
I’ve discovered my MasteRevelation group fills in the gaps. The idea of separate “non-rounded” individuals coming together with their own set of unique strengths to form a “rounded” group actually works.
Jack wrote on Wed Feb 17th, 8:55am:
I am 57 years old and have been a thinker and seeker all of my life. I owe an immeasurable debt of gratitude to Dr Johnson et al for the teachings they have bestowed upon me. Without knowing which were my strengths, I have spent much psychic energy trying to be what I am not and internally castigating myself for not making the grade. All this time I have been continually told by others how accomplished and unusually competent I am at so many things yet I always felt deficient. I had come to think that this was due to to childhood emotional trauma from a disturbed, depressed, and critical parent. First, I have learned from ANI to let this focus go. More importantly though, I think that trying to be all things to all people and not focusing on my strengths is a more likely cause for this continual vague sense of inadequacy. I am a relator, I naturally tend toward genuineness and intimacy in my dealings with anyone I come to know. I have always been impressed by those who are cool and detached emotionally in their dealings as I felt they were in more control of themselves and the interaction. In fact I have feared such people as I have felt that they can take advantage of me whenever they wish. Now that I understand my relator tendency as a unique strength, I can cherish this tendency. Equally importantly, I can love and forgive those who are cool, detached and uninvested in relationships as those without the strength rather than masters of the universe who manipulate those with deeper connection needs. This is an example of how knowing one’s strengths allows both self love as well as love of others, including those who cause you pain. Talk about a combination of psychology and spirituality. Again, deep thanks to Drs Johnson and larkin for their teachings.
david brooks wrote on Wed Feb 17th, 2:26pm:
Thank you Dr. Johnson for your article. It really brought home the need to love myself first and foremost. I have been caught up for much of my life by either looking outside of myself for love or just giving up on it altogether. Looking outside of myself is self defeating and it drains me of energy. Loving yourself is the attractor, it is what draws others to you — that which is like unto itself is drawn. When I love me, others love me. When I love me, I love others more.
Understanding this connection is really a shift for me. Even though I have used the words before, I didn’t really understand what they meant.
This work has been so important to me. Now, I have a better picture of who I am through my strengths. I am my strengths. My strengths come from my real self. My strengths make me happy. When I use my strengths things go better for me and I love life more. When I love life more, I love myself more…
This month, I will show love for myself by embracing the very essence of who I am. Strengths are the better parts of me. They are a gift to myself and to the world, because when I love who I am, my capacity to love others expands.
Thank you for your insights!
CHIVALRY57 wrote on Thu Feb 18th, 4:23pm:
I would like to share one of my pulsing songs, which seems to go well with this Blog… “I Just Want To Celebrate” by Rare Earth.
Now that I have learned my 5 core strengths and combining them to my early morning writing of my “intentions” for the day (thanks Mark), it is an awesome way to begin my day’s thoughts & travels. This is making it much more easy to complimentry interact with people, business opportunities and bring the “abundance” in all areas God our Universe is willing to give us.
I feel that if you do love yourself (not in love with yourself) you will not just attract more people to you (the right people), but more of your “desires”.
CHIVALRY57
Suzanne wrote on Thu Feb 18th, 6:13pm:
Thank you Dr. Johnson for the reminder that being “well rounded” isn’t necessarily the best option. I certainly don’t want to shrink the expression of my strengths. I am relieved to know that I don’t have to do it all!
“Where am I going to choose to place my focus?” On the Joy, the Peace and the Love of my life——ME! In my teaching and interacting with others… I unabashedly play with one of my top strengths: Zest, enthusiasm and energy; and it becomes contagious… AHHHH CHOOOO.
Donna Lang wrote on Thu Feb 18th, 6:48pm:
This is such an amazing blog entry and in a nutshell it appears to me that everyone is sharing that they are looking at their live’s in a new way - in a different way!
Lea says “This gives me a great way to think of my strengths - each as a shining facet of my personality, each lending itself to the perfection of the whole.”
Mark says “Yes, begin with loving ourselves, and once we’ve got that down, spread the love to all we encounter. I’ve discovered my MasteRevelation group fills in the gaps.”
David says “This work has been so important to me. Now, I have a better picture of who I am through my strengths. I am my strengths.”
Chivalry says “Now that I have learned my 5 core strengths and combining them to my early morning writing of my “intentions” for the day (thanks Mark), it is an awesome way to begin my day’s thoughts & travels. This is making it much more easy to complimentry interact with people, business opportunities and bring the “abundance” in all areas God our Universe is willing to give us.”
There is so much celebration in this blog which continues to underscore the power of this work.
“The Power Within”....says it all. Doesn’t it?
With Gratitude,
Donna Lang
CHIVALRY57 wrote on Thu Feb 18th, 10:51pm:
Donna Lang,
“Thank-you” for your kind comments and thoughtful observations.
CHIVALRY57
Judy wrote on Fri Feb 19th, 4:07pm:
What a great blog. Yes, trying to “be it all” has left me hardly knowing who I am any more. Having my strengths revealed helps me to start over, no easy task at this late date. However, I attempt to persevere. The enthusiam of such investigative & dedicated souls gives me hope. Thank you, Dr. Larkin.
Victoria Koutavas wrote on Fri Feb 19th, 4:23pm:
Great article Dr. Don!
Co-dependent and people-pleaser were the two words that came into consciousness when I read the definition of “rounding”. And in contemplating further (funny how that happens) these three words feel like the opposite of Connectedness-which is my top 2.0 strength.
When I am in the Upspiral, loving, appreciating and respecting myself, the desire for connectedness is a clear projection outward of those feelings. However, as I move toward the down spiral of insecurity, fear and self-judgment, connectedness turns into wanting to be all things to all people out of a need of external validation. It’s like turning a kaleidoscope.
What I appreciate about this work here at ANI is the meatiness of it. Yes, taking the VIA and in minutes knowing one’s strengths is fast, easy and powerful. And as you are pointing out in this article each of us can chew on a particular strength for quite a while and receive immeasurable insight. It’s SO COOL!
Linda wrote on Sat Feb 20th, 12:43am:
This month I choose to celebrate the new awareness I have of my strengths! Once I took the VIA and Strengths Finder 2.0 assessments, I gained an entirely new clarity and focus on these gems we each possess. In the past, I’ve been on automatic pilot in my use of these strengths . While I believe they served me well in many circumstances, I used them without much thought or conscious direction. I’m really excited now to know the door has now been opened to the limitless potential of ways I can employee these strengths to enhance my life much more, enabling me to reveal more of my true self to me and to those with whom I come in contact.
It is February and one of my strengths is also “the capacity to love and be loved.” The phrase, “charity begins at home” comes to mind when I read Dr. Johnson’s challenge to see how many ways he can express love for himself. This is a challenge I choose for myself as well. I find I have not been treating myself very well. I have a strong tendency to really push myself in getting everything done and handling things others could handle. I just keep going when I’m tired. My ‘to do’ list is missing ‘me time.’ “How does loving me feel? What does it look like?” What delicious questions to ponder and, better yet, to experience their answers. Now is the time. For starters - it looks like relaxing through an entire TV program, reducing worry by pulsing, stopping when I get tired and letting others help in their own way. This will feel like freedom, like a huge sigh of relief. It will represent peeling away false identities I have given myself to reveal the ‘more’ of who I am – someone who can give naturally from a true fullness versus a sense of depletion.
Patricia Morgan wrote on Sat Feb 20th, 8:56am:
You certainly got me thinking. When I look at my top 5 strengths, I can’t think of any way I am not those strengths. My next thought is why doesn’t everyone else have those strengths high on their list? Well, ok, those were my first thoughts, and of course, people have those strengths, just in a different priority. I don’t have any marked “signature strength”. What I do note however, is that “the capacity to love and be loved” is way doen at #11, and although I can understand the rounding principle, I do want to increase that particular strength. As I wrote that, I also thought - or find out why it is so low- which is my 5th strength-Judgment, critical thinking and open-mindfulness. Food for thought for me, later today.
BarbaraLily wrote on Sat Feb 20th, 5:38pm:
It’s a wonderful gift to have strengths to turn to if things “seem” to go wrong. I’m still trying to “people” my strengths with heroes, folks to talk with and find guidance from. But life is definitely going smoother now, and more laughter is finding its way in.
Dr. William Kent Larkin wrote on Sat Feb 20th, 9:38pm:
Can you imagine where we would be if spent the time working on our strengths rather than the weaknesses that kept us from being a well-rounded person?
Our weaknesses change very little over a life time, our strenghs are infinitely malleable. You grow where you shine you light.
Erik wrote on Sun Feb 21st, 3:50pm:
Vis a vis the topic of rounding: My 24th character strength is “Caution”. When I played Monopoly as a boy, I’d either win big, or go down in flames. Sometimes as an adult I’ve tried to emphasize “Caution” and all that happens is that I feel… deflated. Yes, caution is important. But if I try to “round” myself into a cautious person I bore myself (and others) very quickly. Better, then to emphasize my strengths: Love of learning, creativity, gratitude, appreciation of beauty and excellence, and capacity to love and be loved. Now that’s more like it.
Jan wrote on Sun Feb 21st, 7:19pm:
Thank you, Dr. Johnson, for a thought-provoking blog entry. I really resonated with both major points: taking time to love yourself and that idea that focusing on your strengths supercedes being well-rounded. As I continue to do the ANI work, I realize how self critical I can be. Not only am I making a conscious effort to stop those thoughts, I’m focusing on “giving the love” to myself as much as I give it to others. I’ve also found that excess stress can be a byproduct of trying to be well-rounded. Not only to be all things to all people, but try to achieve too much in too many areas thus diluting attention and focus.
Victoria Koutavas wrote on Sun Feb 21st, 8:38pm:
Linda, I really appreciate what you wrote regarding being on auto-pilot with strengths in the past. When I took the VIA and Strengthfinder 2.0 most of what I discovered was not a surprise. And it IS very exciting to find each of us has “limitless potential” in the ways we can use them.
And David, I LOVE what you wrote…” Loving yourself is the attractor, it is what draws others to you — that which is like unto itself is drawn. When I love me, others love me. When I love me, I love others more.” What I am finding out is there are so many facets of loving myself, including being honest, gentle, and accepting of wherever I am at any given moment.
Each time I read another entry, I learn from each of you…thank you so much!
Margot wrote on Mon Feb 22nd, 12:24pm:
Wow, I love reading EVERYONE’s entries, so insightful and inspiring! And Dr. Johnson’s comments about loving oneself first, and accepting / focusing on your strengths hit me right between the eyes. It comes hard on the heels of my finally giving up the struggle AGAINST one of my top five strengths, Leadership, and assuming a leadership position in a project that is very exciting to me. Not sure why, but for all my life, I’ve resisted being in a leadership role, maybe afraid to “be responsible” for anyone or anything for fear I’ll fall short of expectations (whose, you might ask - and I have no answer!), or make mistakes. But just in the last week or so, I’ve given up that struggle and embraced this new leadership opportunity, and I’m loving it and loving myself for finally honoring that strength - and I’m not worried about making mistakes or falling short! I guess maybe that’s my Valentine to myself - and it would not have happened if I hadn’t become involved with ANI, so thank you Dr. Johnson and Dr. Larkin for helping me “find” myself!
Judy wrote on Mon Feb 22nd, 12:35pm:
Great article! And really great comments from all bloggers. Victoria’s comment about co-dependent and people-pleaser relative to “rounding” were especially insightful. Trying to be all things to all people does not give one a true sense of self, let alone allow one to love and nurture oneself. I have not yet gotten to the point in this process where I take the test to reveal my true strengths. I am looking forward to this, especially to discover if my perceived strengths are actually my true strengths. As I move forward on this path, I’m discovering how the need for external validation is becoming muted in favor of a stronger sense of my own happiness and my own worth - just the way I am.
Judith wrote on Mon Feb 22nd, 4:29pm:
So much of my life I’ve struggled to be “all things to all people” just to insure that I was loved. Thank you Dr. Johnson for a wonderful, insightful blog. I’m finding it easier to love and be loved by taking time to love myself. I look forward to discovering my strengths through our work.
Melody wrote on Mon Feb 22nd, 7:41pm:
What a nice Valentine for ME – my strengths. Just like Godiva. I open my box of strengths and see them intricately decorated, each one unique in shape and flavor. You and I share the strength of “the capacity to love and be loved” and every time I catch myself being too hard on myself I hear your voice, Dr. Johnson, asking how I can use that strength on myself. Yesterday I gave myself a manicure, took time to finish a silver bracelet I was working on and made a special dinner for us to celebrate the 16th anniversary of our first date. I was nice to me.
When I’m rounding myself – especially when it comes to detailed paperwork (like taxes and recordkeeping) I feel miserable. Details are not my strengths. I’m loving myself when I joyfully hire someone who does those things well – and I’m allowing them to shine is their strengths! And when I can trade services with someone who needs the interpersonal skills training I offer, it’s even more exciting. A win/win of strengths.
I have also found the idea of rounding others very thought provoking. I’ve always been pretty flexible with my expectations of my friends. I know who will be there when I need a laugh and who will make me see both sides of any story and who will not put up with me when I want to complain. I realize that way too often I have expected my husband to “be it all”. I’ve found that since starting this program I think twice before I get frustrated if he doesn’t say or do exactly what I want, I realize – “Oh, that’s just not his strength”. He appreciates it too.
CHIVALRY57 wrote on Tue Feb 23rd, 10:29am:
This Blog has inspired some of the best gifted comments. A beautiful blending Yin/Yang that flows in our celebrations of Gratitude and Love.
CHIVALRY57
Carol wrote on Tue Feb 23rd, 11:23am:
“being “all things” to “all people” in “all situations.” “
WOW. How often in my life have I done THAT? Or I should say TRIED to do that. I have been reigning in that tendency for a while now, and it is working much better for me.
When I try to be something for someone else, that is NOT my strength, I am doing them a disservice as well as myself. It looks suspiciously like co-dependance, when done to an extreme. I also realized that I was actually weakening my mate, when I tried to do everything for him. He and I are both much happier when I let it go.
It is also very wonderful to recognize others strengths.
Like Melody said “I know who will be there when I need a laugh and who will make me see both sides of any story and who will not put up with me when I want to complain.”
I do this as well, and it serves beautifully. It is a gift to others, to not expect what they do not have to give.
Onward and upward
richardsnewsong wrote on Tue Feb 23rd, 11:32am:
Thanks Dr. Don for your timely article on celebrating our strengths. So many powerful concepts in your writing for me to reflect on, for me to act on.
“to exalt the power of who I am NOW”
I think this is one point where I can see a perfect alignment with the work of Eckhart Tolle. That is all there is - this present moment. I am perfect and complete in this present moment with a unique set of strengths that make me the special person that I am. I don’t have to live my life waiting for tomorrow when I will FINALLY be richer, skinnier, better looking, physically fit, or successful. I have so much to be thankful for and choose gratitude today for who I am - something worth celebrating!
And you are so right Dr. Don when you note:
“It just feels better, it just raises my UpSpiral, it just makes me more and more clear about the power of the “real me.” Knowing consciously that I have a perfect set of strengths, built in and ready to go, always at hand for any and all situations, is my February Valentine’s gift to myself.”
Feeling better? Sounds delicious! I’ll have more please! Like Valentine’s Day chocolate, I can’t resist desiring more!
Your blog goes on to present a challenge to yourself and I find myself resonating with that very same challenge also.
“How can I love myself more?”
You give me a very good reason to pursue this goal.
“But without a sense of how I express this “capacity to love and be loved” to myself, there’s really very little to give. It’s just that simple.”
For a fellow that has spent a lifetime loving and caring for others, it is refreshing to consider how to use my wonderful strengths to love and care for myself. My ability to give becomes free and easy, devoid of anger and resentment or anything else that might pull me down from my UpSprial. Thanks for this wonderful reminder.
You left me with a wonderful belly laugh on the topic of rounding. I mean, you are talking to a self proclaimed Renaissance Man - Jack of All Trades - MASTER OF NONE!
I guess I am going to have to rethink that one!!! Of course, you guide me perfectly on how to reset my course:
“Instead, let your unique set of strengths “shine” in every relationship, including your relationship with yourself. It’s “you being you,” engaging your strengths, that produces the most enduring and healthy relationships.”
And so another desire is created, another intention is set forth and I celebrate the wonderful lessons for me in what is shared here. And so my goal is simply this:
“to love and appreciate yourself all the more for knowing your own giftedness.”
Like a fine wine good to the last drop, I savor this week’s blog down to the very last line and claim the final promise for myself - changes and emphasis mine:
“With my unique strengths engaged, I can be true to myself and to others, and in so doing, shine as the magnificent person that I really am - my authentic self fully revealed!”
I feel a celebration coming on! Care to join me?
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