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Want You, Need You
By Dr. William K. Larkin on March 10, 2010
We h
ave the idea that a relationship will satisfy a lot of our "wants." So much of our desire for a relationship with another person is based on wanting to heal a "hole" of loneliness, couched in the belief that everything would be so much better if we just had someone to share it all with. Then we get someone and they don't want to share what we want to share or they don't want to share what we want them to share at the time we want to share it. They don't "come through" for us.
There are many reasons for a relationship, even with an animal. The "other" does something for us emotionally that we need to learn to be able to do for ourselves. What they "give" us is something we have not yet given ourselves.
We want to share times and moments and events in a relationship with someone with the idea that doing so will make them as "shared," more meaningful
. If they would just "show up" and share it! How many times have you wanted to share something with a mate who is snoring, so you just decided that you would enjoy it yourself, on your own? Just because you may be in a relationship doesn't mean, as you well know, that this person will "show up" to share the evening, the sunrise, the vacation, the movie, or just the evening news, when you would like them beside you.
We are always living in a fundamental relationship with ourselves, to some degree of richness and completion, or the lack of it. We treat loneliness as something that only someone on the outside of us can heal or deal with. Loneliness is only something dealt with from the inside out. Loneliness is not about finding a soulmate. It's rather about finding yourself at home for you.
Most of us assume that we are good at feeling positive emotions, good at being happy. Most are not. We need to practice being with ourselves, feeling positive emotions, and most of all we need a whole new discovery of the reality that we need to "learn" to be happy. It just doesn't happen and it never happens because someone else does it for us.
Love is a wonderful thing when someone else doesn't have to fill the cup of what we lack inside ourselves when we have not grown up e
nough to provide it for ourselves.
What about touching, embracing, love-making and just plain sexual gratification? You can't really give these to yourself. There is a great myth in the novels of love and the movies that treat all of this like a drug that fills in our deepest loneliness. Ecstasy and the bliss of love-making, just like the rest of life, happen after you have come home "to you" and found your home in the Source of you that dwells within you. We are "one" in many expressions of love, but the oneness starts by finding it in yourself.
Want "you."
20 Comments
Suzanne wrote on Sat Mar 13th, 6:48pm:
I recently read that in some Native American languages, there is no word for loneliness. They consider all of nature their kin. I find much joy in simply resting my spine against a tree and taking a deep breath.
My, my… how we are seduced in our culture into thinking that someone or something is necessary for us to feel good! We have become so alienated from ourselves, so out of touch with our own grandeur. I am grateful to the simple tools of pulsing the emotional gym - because they instantly return me to my center and I can then love and appreciate myself and have more to give!
Like the song says, I can truly “Love the One your with”.
Victoria Koutavas wrote on Sun Mar 14th, 4:04pm:
What a great article! I especially resonate with-“We are always living in a fundamental relationship with ourselves, to some degree of richness and completion, or the lack of it”.
Interestingly enough, the ending of an intense relationship was the main reason I decided to join an Upspiral Life group, last July. I found the teachings and exercises of ANI so powerful; I just completed ANI’s Certification Course and I’m now beginning Licensure to become a VisioNavigator Coach!
As I began to engage in pulsing and increasing my ambient vibration, several things occurred simultaneously-I was focusing on that fundamental relationship with myself that Dr. Larkin talks about, and, I began to get clarity on the lessons past relationships provided.
The beauty of seeing past relationships as informational messengers(that I have attracted) is-once delivery takes place, the person may be blessed and released with gratitude. That energy can then be redirected toward positivity.
Needless to say, I have been able to thank, bless and release the person that assisted in my joining ANI. And although we live 3 blocks away from one another we did not run into each other until this awareness was anchored internally. The universe gave me a sign that I had been heard…
BarbaraLily wrote on Sun Mar 14th, 6:52pm:
When a very important relationship ended, I found myself on my first truly spiritual journey. Solitude is essential for coming to know ourselves. But it’s also essential for coming to know God. In fact, the two processes intertwine and are inseparable.
Mack wrote on Mon Mar 15th, 5:45am:
It is so easy to start playing the lonely game. In this time, I have learned to do something that excites me and it works wonders. As Dr. Larkin would say play to your strengths and spend that time pulling upon them. I have noticed that most of the people that I know when they call they always expect you to be available but sometimes life and other projects do not permit this time. So they go into this well this happened and I really wanted to share it with you first. Always a long pause after that to see what your general response will be and I always say well thanks for wanting to share and it is still important so what can we do now. Open the door back up and not going into the I am sorry for not being available for you mode. We have been so conditioned to think that we need another people in order to savor a moment and the truth is that we only need ourselves because no everyone will share the same enlightment or enjoyment in the same things. We need to look more at ourselves as to whom does this moment really mean anything too. Getting to know oneself is the key because it allows us to shine when we are with others and when we are alone.
david brooks wrote on Mon Mar 15th, 9:42am:
Thank you Dr. Larkin for your blog. I can certainly appreciate what you say. I am currently in the place that you describe - looking outside of myself for my happiness. However, the love that I am looking for eludes me more and more as I look in the wrong direction. And instead of happiness and satisfaction, I am left with longing and sadness.
Intellectually, I understand that it is my relationship with me and I have been doing a lot of work around the process of changing the direction of my desire. I converted your “Just This” process to “Just ME” and focusing on flowing positive emotions in my own direction. I walk around with positive affirmations in my head, I appreciate and focus on my strengths and refocus my attention to me when I am letting others or events cloud my ability to provide for myself.
Your words “There are many reasons for a relationship, even with an animal. The “other” does something for us emotionally that we need to learn to be able to do for ourselves. What they “give” us is something we have not yet given ourselves.” are very on point for me. By identifying exactly what I am looking for out there, I am beginning to uncover the gap in how I feel about myself and am starting to give that to myself. Awareness is a huge step.
Thank you once again!
david brooks wrote on Mon Mar 15th, 10:30am:
Victoria, I love what you said, especially, “As I began to engage in pulsing and increasing my ambient vibration, several things occurred simultaneously-I was focusing on that fundamental relationship with myself that Dr. Larkin talks about, and, I began to get clarity on the lessons past relationships provided.”
Like you, I have found tremendous value in using the Emotional Gym to increase my ambient vibration. Understanding some of the basic principles and using the tools has provided me with a shift in consciousness.
In an attempt to get clarity on the lessons of my past relationships, I have begun using Dr. Larkin’s Hand’s Prayer. “David, I thank you. David, I love you. David, I respect you.” I have added my own phrase for now, “David, I forgive you.” What I am noticing is the only thing that I really have to forgive myself for is misalignment with me.
The “actions” or “words” that I want to forgive myself for are always because I allowed myself to look outside of me, shifted to a DownSpiral, and took action from that narrow perspective. That is huge for me!
The solution is always in feeling good. By practicing the tools and leaning to the positive, I am broadening and building my new perspective. It is great to know that my “mistakes” are not from some uncontrollable character flaw, but simply from being out of focus with who I really am - looking at the weakness, instead of my strengths. That is a big difference and allows me to take back my own power.
Thanks, Victoria and everyone, for your insightful comments!
Dr William K Larkin wrote on Mon Mar 15th, 12:29pm:
Yesterday, I took the day to take someone to a place that I thought they would like to visit. I had been looking forward to sharing it with them and living it through their eyes and seeing it “anew”.
Can you see how I set up the situation. I was expecting them to bring to me an appreciation for the experience. They were supposed to love it and be grateful, and oooohhh and aaaaawww and I think I also wanted them to be impressed that I knew about such a place and had so much appreciation for it.
On the way there, they were half-present, on the phone, called 411 to get another number, needed to locate a store along the way, and were hungry at the wrong time. When we got there, there was not enough shade for them and they couldn’t sit for long in the sun. First we needed a store, then we needed shade, then we needed food and I told myself that I needed to dump this person on the highway on the way back.
Then I stopped in my tracks and realized how much of my satisfaction was based on the proper “reacting” of the other person. I said to myself, “How do I make me happy?” I started to look around at the beautiful day, I love driving, it was quiet and peaceful because my friend had dozed off. I was able to let him have a pleasant nap and I enjoyed a pleasant drive. The nap was perfect because he was talking and disturbing my peace. Asleep, he could not want something.
I was basing my satisfcation on someone else’s reaction. Big mistake. I enjoyed the trip to an abundance and gave great thanks for the richness of the beauty around me and, if my abundance flowed to another, good and fine, if it did not, my own joy cannot be robbed by another unless I allow it by my own thinking.
Judy wrote on Mon Mar 15th, 7:40pm:
Indeed! Loving oneself is the key. I can be happy with “peace, love, joy, gratitude, hope”. Again, I am still trying to adjust to this new self so it’s difficult to be clear about expressing how I’m being affected. Others do so quite eloquently, which piques my interest. In any case, it all continues to be uplifting so I look forward to the ongoing process.
Victoria Koutavas wrote on Mon Mar 15th, 8:30pm:
David, thank you! I can totally relate to what you wrote…” It is great to know that my “mistakes” are not from some uncontrollable character flaw, but simply from being out of focus with who I really am - looking at the weakness, instead of my strengths”.
I am continuously surprised by the way my strengths are playing out in my life, and how several strengths join together in a variety of ways. This past weekend, my strengths of connectedness and honesty, integrity and genuineness were at work. As much as I love people and have a lot of friends, I am becoming clearer and clearer about what I will and will not accept under the guise of “friendship”. As I develop an honest, genuine internal relationship with myself, my external relationships are shifting as well.
Initially, the thought of a confrontation made me so uncomfortable; I avoided having a necessary conversation until the distress became so great I knew, in service to myself, I could wait no longer. Then I remembered a term that I learned several years back-and that is making a “confrontation” a “carefrontation”-the tag line is “care enough to tell each other the truth”.
Luckily, the friend I needed to speak with is familiar with this philosophy, so I began our conversation by reminding her of the term and what we had learned. As I expected, she responded to my feelings with those of her own and we took turns listening and speaking our truth. The result was not only a transfer of negative to positive energy but greater understanding and respect for me and for her. I was then able to enjoy her company more than I had in a long time and felt very self-nurtured. Gratitude abounds!
Andrew Hamling wrote on Tue Mar 16th, 1:14pm:
For a long time I have realized that a relationship with someone will not fill my “wants” and “desires” for happiness. I have maintained a sense of independence, even in a relationship. I desire to find that in another…..
This last weekend, while working in the yard and in a GREAT UpSpiral (I love being outdoors), I was thinking about a past relationship that didn’t end so great… and I had some amazing revelations… More evidence of the Broaden and Build ideology…
I looked at that relationship that ended not so well and asked, from the UpSpiral place..
“Why did this happen?”
“Why did I attract this?”
“Why would someone treat me like that?”
Why?? Why?? Why???
I was really open to the answer. ... ... and it came…
“Because… Be cause… Be Cause.”
BE CAUSE… my next thought became “there has got to be a better question…”
“What was my role in this?” I stepped away from the vicim and became the participant… I was at cause…with no blame or guilt…but an equal partner in developing this (and ALL) relationship(s). Then came Forgiveness…easily.
I realized that one’s relationship with another is really a reflection of one’s relationship with one’s self. And, the more honest one is with oneself about the nature of relationship, the more honest a relationship will be.
Then, I came across this blog article…
“We are “one” in many expressions of love, but the oneness starts by finding it in yourself.”
Linda wrote on Tue Mar 16th, 4:07pm:
I have long realized there are two ‘realities’ - There is the one which consists of the ‘facts’ and events ‘out there’ which I spell r-e-a-l-i-t-y and the one that is the truth of our being, our essence – R-e-a-l-i-t-y. We have generally learned about life in a way that is somewhat backwards. The famous wartime poster depicting , ”Uncle Sam Wants You,” reminds me of something we do all the time when we look through magazines, store windows and at our television set. The wanting is fine, but the search for completion in the items and in other people is where we often take a big mis-step and then become disappointed. Living from the fullness of ‘inside out’ is the cure.
The line that struck me in Dr. Larkin’s blog was, “most of all we need a whole new discovery of the reality that we need to “learn” to be happy. I knew the ‘inside out’ part and I have certainly been applying UpSpiral techniques. However, just hearing these words in this specific way resonated even more for me and sort of summarized things. When happiness occurs, it can be easy to just enjoy it and to take it for granted. Then – when things, or people, are not to my liking, I know I want to blame. Oops, now I see me reflected back from the mirror in the Uncle Sam pose. Life is wanting me to show up with all the gifts of the Universe, everything I need for happiness, and live from that Reality. I am the healer and dealer of my life – the LAP of my own consciousness - Learning, Awareness, and Practice. While this may be simple, and it is definitely true – I am so grateful to be part of an UpSpiral Life Group and to have all of you sharing your wisdom and support.
Andrew, thank you for ‘BE CAUSE’ - a perfect reminder that I am the cause to my experience and I need to be on better terms with me!
richardsnewsong wrote on Tue Mar 16th, 4:17pm:
Dr. Larkin,
Thank you for a very timely article on the nature of relationship in popular culture. I love the way you challenge me to look within for the happiness that seems to elude me otherwise.
Romantic Books. Popular Movies. Even the music of my generation speaks volumes to the eternal search for happiness with another person through relationship.
Cheap Trick expresses this romantic sentiment of popular culture best in “I Want You to Want Me!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DmpM8DMZ9E
The lyrics are very telling but one line in particular touches me very deep:
“Feeling all alone without a friend you know you feel like dying.”
March 2010 marks a milestone for me - it has been exactly one year since I began the process to re-invent myself down here in the desert.
Ironically, I came down here to seek relationship on the heals of my marriage ending and our synchronous universe allowed that relationship to connect me with the work here at the Applied Neuroscience Institute.
You can’t make this stuff up - truth is indeed stranger than fiction!
Today, I am proud to have completed the 20 week ANI Certificate Program and excited to be starting another 20 weeks in the ANI VisioNavigator Licensure Credential Program. Indeed, I aspire to learn to teach these concepts as truly, I am reminded that the teacher is in the best place to learn.
Having my top VIA Character Strength be “Curiosity and Interest in the World” - this makes total sense from the guy that went through high school 4 times and loved it - once for myself and 3 more times with each of my beloved children, learning something new each time!
One a more serious note, your words Dr. Larkin serve to highlight a key lesson that has come to me through my experiences down here:
“We treat loneliness as something that only someone on the outside of us can heal or deal with. Loneliness is only something dealt with from the inside out. Loneliness is not about finding a soulmate. It’s rather about finding yourself at home for you.”
That was then, this is now. I realize now that my transformation is “an inside job” and I am the chief architect of an exciting new reality show called “Extreme Richard Makeover!”
I no longer have to “feel all alone” or “feel like dying”. I am at choice every day and I set up my day each morning, ideally before my toe steps down on the floor beside my bed, to meditate upon the 5 key emotions of the Emotional Gym: gratitude, love, peace, joy and hope.
Failing in that and after all - we are all very busy people - I have the opportunity to play my “Music of the UpSprial for Growing the Positive Mind” CD and sing my way into vibrational ecstasy as I race off on my appointed rounds.
That’s right! It was probably me that cut you off the other day as I played my CD loudly and sang at the top of my lungs, smiling and laughing wildly! If I did cut you off, please forgive me and I promise to pay more attention next time!
It’s just that, these songs really put me in a positive frame of mind and set me up to enjoy the positive things I am attracting into my life these days.
One more key concept pops out at me in this weeks article:
“Ecstasy and the bliss of love-making, just like the rest of life, happen after you have come home “to you” and found your home in the Source of you that dwells within you. We are “one” in many expressions of love, but the oneness starts by finding it in yourself.”
I have finally come home “to me” through the discovery of “StrenghSmart” and I am reminded of Promise #3:
“By knowing and using your strengths everyday, you can raise your happiness set-point, your emotional set-up, and become happier and more content.”
These days, I am learning to really love being me - my authentic self - not the counterfeit chameleon that sought approval in others: my wife, my children, my boss, my employees, my girlfriend(s). The best part: I now have lazer clarity about the key strengths that represent “my home in the Source of me that dwells within me.”
I feel especially blessed to know that my top Strengthfinder 2.0 is “Communication” - is anyone here surprised? Each week, I get really excited to read Dr. Larkin’s article and flex my love of the written word in response.
Thanks once again Dr. Larkin and Dr. Johnson both for intuiting the pulse of my personal transformation and leading me forward in this exciting journey.
Have a Happy!
Richard Rotbart
CFO: Chief Fun Officer
Lea Jacobs wrote on Tue Mar 16th, 4:44pm:
I have recently realized that the hole I tried in vain to fill with sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll (can you tell I am child of the sixties?) as a young person and then later tried to fill with family, friends, meditation, yoga, hikes, pets, movies, philosophy, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. . . ad infinitum, is not a hole that in anyway can be filled from the outside, from the world of things and people. I have discovered that the greatest way to fill the hole is from the inside out by inviting the Good and infinitely more Good to be expressed through me. I am constantly making room for more Good to flow through me each time I pulse, smile, go with the flow, shake it off, work in my strengths and choose love, peace, joy and gratitude to place in my mind instead of any negativity. Living with infinite Goodness is priceless!
richardsnewsong wrote on Tue Mar 16th, 4:51pm:
Dear ANI Master Mind,
At this point in time, I am never surprised at the synchronicity of responses here at our blog site. I purpose each week to write my response after reading Dr. Larkin’s article and DO NOT read anything from anyone else until I am done.
So many good shares - so little time right now.
Barbara Lily: You have a gift - you leave us with just a few words that have a very powerful meaning for me:
“Solitude is essential for coming to know ourselves. But it’s also essential for coming to know God. In fact, the two processes intertwine and are inseparable.”
Too much of any good thing has the potential to become addiction: be it alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, debt, sex, even relationship. Eliminating all distractions leaves me in solitude where I can truly know God and by definition discover the divine source within me.
Thank you!
Andrew:
Welcome! Thanks for joining us here! What a great insight.
BE CAUSE.
This is my divine nature - I am co-creator of this exquisite, expanding universe.
Love oneself. Accept oneself. Forgive oneself. To err is human, to forgive divine.
Your one statement gets to the core of relationship:
“I realized that one’s relationship with another is really a reflection of one’s relationship with one’s self. And, the more honest one is with oneself about the nature of relationship, the more honest a relationship will be.”
Thanks for your profound insights. Come back often!
Richard Rotbart
Rick wrote on Tue Mar 16th, 6:06pm:
When we finally discover that all we needed and wanted was right here all the time, it is amazing how much easier it is to get along in the world. When we realize that who we really are, our essential nature, then we are free. I spent the majority of my life outwardly directed and unhappy. The more I have come to realize the beauty of spirit as me the easier it is to accept and love others. Knowing that it is not up to someone else or something else to make me happy and vice versa allows me to make appropriate choices that work for me and keep me on a path of good feelings.
Rick
DreamerDeb wrote on Tue Mar 16th, 11:38pm:
Bill Idol sang it best: Oh dancing with myself, well there’s nothing to lose and there’s nothing to prove, I’ll be dancing with myself.
Dr William K Larkin wrote on Fri Mar 19th, 9:36am:
What great entries. Every relationship we have, whether its with a person, a pet, or a car or a house (yes we have relationships with cars and houses and things) is in our lives to teach us something about what we have not yet given ourselves. The relationships are not wrong; they are simply indicators of what we need to do with us. Moralizing, guilt, and fault-finding is a part of what holds us in place. Any attempt to “love” and appreciate should be honored and not decried as some total mistake. Finding out what the “other” does for us, and then finding deeper ways to love ourselves is more the answer.
That does not mean that we don’t enjoy what was pleasurable and good. We learn these things because of our wants and our social world of connections are intended to enjoy and not analyze to death.
The key is to differentiate between people and things that fill a “hole” of self-approval and self-love and our attachment to things we savor, enjoy, relish, and come to know flow. And in the process we change and grow, let go and know new levels of growth and awareness. When we are trying too hard for things or are too sure a relationship is just what we need, these are red flags to ask what we are really wanting to fill in ourselves that which needs our own self-love.
We couldn’t make better and clearer choices if we didn’t have the choices that had gone before. In a very real sense, there are no mistakes. We learn just what we need to learn.
moment2music wrote on Mon Mar 22nd, 6:47pm:
what wonderful words these all are and excellent insights into the journey of self-love as well. this mirror of relationship, literally showing us what we need to “fix,” “heal,” “change,” and “grow” merely by the presence of another person (or pet) in our lives is powerful indeed. when we choose to look truly, deeply and fully into the reflection a relationship offers, there is valuable viewing there, no doubt. and it is only ourselves, not others, that we can alter (fix, heal, change, and grow) according to our vision of the reflection in this relationship mirror. there are parts of us that can only be excavated and examined in the context of relationships (romantic, family, friendships and professional) - nothing is intrinsically good or bad here - just stuff for learning and growing. just stuff for becoming a better ME.
i too have had some of my most powerful spiritual and personal revelations on the heels of “bad” relationships. these are the times when we can choose to close up or to open up our hearts. these are the times we can blame others or recognize ourselves. these are the times we can point fingers or go inside to find and become who we really are - stronger, better, more loving, full of life, joy and happiness. these are the times we can choose to suffer and become victims or rise up and realize our truest and most powerful potential to become light and to share light and love with ALL fellow living beings.
thank you dr. larkin and all who have posted here who are dedicated to finding and loving “self.”
blessings-
douglas
Melody wrote on Wed Apr 7th, 2:29pm:
As I read Dr. Larkin’s entry, I thought of the whole concept of “rounding”. When I read this “Just because you may be in a relationship doesn’t mean, as you well know, that this person will “show up” to share the evening, the sunrise, the vacation, the movie, or just the evening news, when you would like them beside you” I thought that when I have the desire for my husband to be who I want him to be NOW, I’m simply “rounding “ him and taking away his unique personality, attempting to make him over. He was made pretty well the first time and doesn’t need my “improvements”.
Loneliness has been a theme in my life and is something that I feel less often now that I have completed the certification program and am now in licensure at ANI. What a gift!
Doing this work reminds me that I’m pretty nice to be with and as much as I enjoy being with one (or a dozen) others I’m good company for myself. In that recognition I’ve also gained more appreciation for having found a wonderful life partner who brings his own unique strengths to our relationship. I appreciate his strengths more than ever as I learn to appreciate my own. The more I love me, the more I love him – go figure!
Melody wrote on Fri Jun 18th, 12:26pm:
So many good responses about loving ourselves - Isn’t that what it’s all about?
Richard you said: “These days, I am learning to really love being me - my authentic self - not the counterfeit chameleon that sought approval in others: my wife, my children, my boss, my employees, my girlfriend(s).” Ah, the counterfeit chameleon - I know her well. (My chameleon is a girl, you see.)
One of my strengths is the capacity to love and be loved and I’ve been thinking about the best way to respond to these blog posts regarding love - especially self love. I turned to the hero I’ve assigned to that strength - Emily. Emily is 18 and graduated from high school this week. She’s a musician and has decided that her career goal is to be a pit conductor on Broadway. And she’ll do it! She has everything it takes.
Enough bragging about my “child of choice”. Here is a video of a project she did regarding self image. You’ll see why she is my hero when it comes to the capacity to love. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0uqr5mwr6js&feature=related.
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